2012, Acceptance, Approval, battle drills, Comfort, Courage, Daddy Blessing, e.e. cummings, Fertility, fertility treatment, Freedom, Goliath, Grieve Expectations, I am Enough, Lessons of Courage, Matthew 5:23, Personal Growth, Truth, turning 40, Unforgiveness, Worth, Year of Courage
When on January 1, 2012 I declared the year to be a year of courage, I never thought that my courage muscles would get stretched so much. I didn’t slay any Goliaths but I went through a series of battle drills that worked me to the bone and which went to my core to uncover areas that had been taken captive and which needed to be set free. I learned that courage isn’t only needed in the face of danger but also when it’s time to face and embrace our own truths.
In the space of twelve months, I got tested and turned inside out but in the end, I came out transformed, armed with many life altering revelations, two of which are as follows:
1. Permission to Grieve My Expectations – A few days after ringing in the New Year, I also celebrated my 40th birthday which in itself meant more than just another number. 2012 reawakened a very personal and decade long fight with fertility. Turning 40 meant the cessation of my medical coverage for fertility treatment and concurrently caused some emotions to flare up and reignited my heart’s desire to have a family of my own. Yet, as I sat across from my surgeon discussing my options, Abba gently cradled me, reminding me that all was well and that it was okay to grieve my delayed dreams and expectations. He gave me permission to do so, helping me to recognize that it wasn’t a sign of weakness or resignation but rather the freedom to receive His comfort, for “Blessed are those who grieve for they shall be comforted.”
2. I am ENOUGH – For a great part of my life, I’ve sought to be accepted and affirmed by other people. It started early on as a little girl, working hard to be a perfect student and daughter in order to maintain my dad’s approval. My father was the love of my life. I worshiped the ground he walked on but his love for me was always presented in the shadow of fear and with the requirement to keep doing more. As I got older, my longing for approval continued on and spilled into other areas of my life, as I set out to be the perfect friend, the perfect wife, the perfect everything. Eventually, I found myself devoid of a voice and even unable to honor who I was. I grew terrified of conflicts and through the years have accepted many things without saying much. Then the heavens opened up to help me realize that the reason why I lost myself wasn’t solely because I wanted to be agreeable and to keep the peace; but for the most part, it was simply because deep down I didn’t know my worth and never got to see that little girl who simply wanted to be loved.
In 2012, I finally took the courage to really see my truth and as a result was empowered to emotionally release those relationships from which I, for so long, sought love and acceptance. This past year, I came to know without a shadow of a doubt that my worth isn’t secured in any one person but instead anchored in the One who consistently and relentlessly pursues me. Right before the year ended, He took the form of a stranger, pointed me to the source of my yearning and gave me a “Daddy Blessing”. He held me in His arms, kissed me like a daddy does; He wiped away my tears and whispered in my ears, Christine, daughter you are better than you think; YOU are ENOUGH!
2012 may be over but those lessons of courage have drastically changed me and will live on eternally.
In His grace,
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”
– e.e. cummings